I understand seething. I feel it in my chest and throat. It's almost a rabid feeling. The side effects are almost unbearable: Shakiness, confusion, loss of bearings, rage. I felt rage tonight. It is a rage that I do not recognize. I do not know where it resides in me. I have felt it before, but it was long ago. I felt it when those popular girls in school would form a circle around me and beat me from every direction. This rage is what causes people to go out of character. This rage is what makes people finally snap. I use to think there was something wrong with people who shoot up schools or beat up innocent people because they were tail gaiting. I am not condoning what they do (nor am I implying intent to do something drastic), I merely wonder what brought them to that point. What does it take to cause someone, generally mild mannered, to come unhinged.

I do not like the feelings running through me when my husband treats me the way he does. It changes me. It is as if my blood is tainted. I feel it running through my body, poisoning everything it touches. When he succeeds are pushing me, I become as sick as him. The difference is that I know I am sick. I don't like being infected with this illness.

I am at a crossroad. If I go left or right, I part from my marriage (against my family's advice) and I charter an new path. I do not know what it would entail. but it would not be with him. If I push forward, I stay with him, we complete the purchase of our home and I become stuck. I cannot leave after my parents pay of his debts and help furnish our home. I cannot let them down in that way. On Thursday, a very large sum of money will go towards my husbands debt to erase it forever. That is unless I stop it. I have until Thursday to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. The weight of this decision is overwhelming. I want that house so badly. I have made plans and promises. But I cannot do it without him.

Until this moment, I felt nothing but rage. When I wrote that last paragraph, the tears began to fall. I'm not angry anymore (at least not in the forefront). I am heartbroken because I feel like I have to sacrifice myself to keep my family together and give my children what they deserve. My children deserve to stay together and have a relationship. My son deserves to have a home where we can live for awhile (instead of constantly moving from less-than-ideal to less-than-ideal). I just want them to be happy. Is is too much to ask that I be happy too?