Spring is officially here. Riding on tail of the warm air comes swarms of bugs taking over our lives. The joy of sunning one's self has been replaced with fear of clouds of biting flies. They infiltrate the house. They make time outdoors unbearable.

Against my children's wishes, I bring the party indoors. I find that we are still not free. These nuisances with wings are getting in through the heater vents and small holes in the screens. There is no escape. Indoors there is a new insect challenge. Wasps. I am highly allergic and my knight in shining armor is off at work.

I wander throughout the house with a fly swatter in one hand and an epipen in the other. I pray I will not be stung. On my own, I would leave them be. Play the peacemaker with these lethal creatures, but they scare the children. They must be killed.

My joy of spring is dwindling. The only hope I have of rekindling my love for the season is a weather report stating that an evening thundershower is coming our way. I love thunderstorms. They remind me of the beauty of our planet. The awesomeness of lightning bolts streaming against the night sky. The feeling in your chest when thunder sounds. Loosing power and requiring your family to go back to their roots of candlelight and closeness only makes the storm's beauty amplified. Nature at its finest.

I understand seething. I feel it in my chest and throat. It's almost a rabid feeling. The side effects are almost unbearable: Shakiness, confusion, loss of bearings, rage. I felt rage tonight. It is a rage that I do not recognize. I do not know where it resides in me. I have felt it before, but it was long ago. I felt it when those popular girls in school would form a circle around me and beat me from every direction. This rage is what causes people to go out of character. This rage is what makes people finally snap. I use to think there was something wrong with people who shoot up schools or beat up innocent people because they were tail gaiting. I am not condoning what they do (nor am I implying intent to do something drastic), I merely wonder what brought them to that point. What does it take to cause someone, generally mild mannered, to come unhinged.

I do not like the feelings running through me when my husband treats me the way he does. It changes me. It is as if my blood is tainted. I feel it running through my body, poisoning everything it touches. When he succeeds are pushing me, I become as sick as him. The difference is that I know I am sick. I don't like being infected with this illness.

I am at a crossroad. If I go left or right, I part from my marriage (against my family's advice) and I charter an new path. I do not know what it would entail. but it would not be with him. If I push forward, I stay with him, we complete the purchase of our home and I become stuck. I cannot leave after my parents pay of his debts and help furnish our home. I cannot let them down in that way. On Thursday, a very large sum of money will go towards my husbands debt to erase it forever. That is unless I stop it. I have until Thursday to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. The weight of this decision is overwhelming. I want that house so badly. I have made plans and promises. But I cannot do it without him.

Until this moment, I felt nothing but rage. When I wrote that last paragraph, the tears began to fall. I'm not angry anymore (at least not in the forefront). I am heartbroken because I feel like I have to sacrifice myself to keep my family together and give my children what they deserve. My children deserve to stay together and have a relationship. My son deserves to have a home where we can live for awhile (instead of constantly moving from less-than-ideal to less-than-ideal). I just want them to be happy. Is is too much to ask that I be happy too?

I know that purchasing a home comes with its fair share of troubles, but I feel that the world as a whole is against me. Between delays and deadlines overlapping as well as negotiating through a brand new real estate agent selling her first home, there has been nothing but stress.

Our credit card debt was suppose to be resolved as of the close of business last Tuesday. Then the credit card company refused to speak to our lawyer without us present. The soonest we could arrange that was for today. Today they tell us that the credit card company themselves cannot settle the debt, we have to contact another company in writing. It will take approximately one week.

We are suppose to negotiate with the buyer on Saturday. We cannot do that without this credit card issue resolved. Firstly, our approval is contingent on the resolution of that debt. Secondly, we need to know how much money we will have left after the debt is resolved. The money remaining dictates how high we can offer.

Add to all of this the fact that we have until the 30th of April to have the contract signed in order to get the federal refund of $8,000. We are relying on this money. We need it to put on the new roof (the shingles need to be replaced) and to run plumbing for a shower (who over the age of ten really takes baths to get clean???).

I feel like I am in the middle of a tornado. I am at a complete stand-still and the world is turmoil all around me. I just wish that there was something I could be actively doing. Sitting around and waiting is driving me insane.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference (and patience not to dwell).