A dance is defined as an artistic form of non-verbal communication. This definition clearly covers what goes on in relationships. In the case of my husband, he has many different “dancing” partners that practice different types of dances. Friends encourage, family care but remain distant, children learn cautiousness and (sadly) fear. I may have the most difficult job playing a dancing partner to him. There is never an opportunity to remove myself.

When we are with friends, I try to “cut-in” on the dance forming between them. They enable and joke off. Some friends do not see that there is a problem with my husband‘s drinking. Others choose not to recognize it. Sometimes they join in this dance with my husband because they too have a problem and they want freedom from dancing with their significant others. They enjoy dancing with someone who understands.

Where family is concerned, I encourage dancing. So many of them are battling alcoholism, yet either do not recognize it in their loved one, or they choose to ignore it. These people have the potential to truly reach out in a way I am unable to. Regardless of how I attempt to initiate this dancing, they continue to dance alone.

My children have an unspoken dance with my husband. It is subtle, but it is there. They get a little more quiet when “something just isn’t right”. They role play him in a way that scares me. They remain distant in the same way I do, avoiding the dance at all costs. When the dance truly begins between them, hostility I never wish to see in my children immerges. It become a battle to see who will lead. How can an intelligent man like my husband not see this occurring? He is having a battle of strength with a young child. Eventually I intervene and the dance begins then with me.

So what does this dance look like? This dance between my husband and I? It starts as a game of wits. He makes a comment, I respond. We go back and fourth. I am always on my guard, fearing which question or statement will come next. I know it is a trap. I know what to look for, but each time we play this game, he learns. He has learned my weakness and will eventually slip me up. I will say the wrong thing. Although this appears to be a verbal communication, it is not. It appears to be talking about our day or discussing the future. What you don’t see is the underlying dance moves. He moves, I move (cautiously).

When general conversation does not cause a slip-up on my part, we move to what I call “hot topics”. These are topics that in the past have caused me to falter. How the children are being raised. What I spend my days doing, while I am “lying around”. Financial difficulties. My lack of contribution to the home. Again, I try to move carefully and sway the topic to a safe zone. Sometimes I take lead in the dance, but the times that I do not, we get to pure war.

In pure war, my husband is desperate to get me to dance with him. Guns are drawn with all stops pulled. If I have made it to this point, I stand a chance of succeeding. In pure war I can see the thought process of the disease. He is no longer the man I committed my life to. He is an alcoholic that wants me to enable him. He wants me to say “It’s okay that you drink like this. I understand.”

Sometimes I am safe from the dance at the very start. It is only temporary. The real danger falls in the hot zone. I am baited and try as I might, occasionally I am drawn into the dance of disease. All the hurt and anger I feel are brought forth. The worst part for me, being drawn into this dance, is although I am vocalizing the things I am feeling, I find no relief. What is worse, it is enabling him in a way I never intended. The voice in his head is saying “See, your wife is demanding and hates you. Your life sucks. Find any solace in any way you can.”