Another dreamless night. I am getting use to life without sleep. I don't even bother to get into bed anymore. I find it so difficult to lay in bed at night, next to the one I love, and feel completely alone. It is hard to stare at the ceiling and feel resentment towards the form lying next to me. I spend the night on the couch, thinking about the importance of trust. I question all that I have been told and all that I thought I believed. I wonder if you can commit to someone you don't trust. I doubt it. All the love in the world cannot save some things.

I remember a scene from my childhood. It was warm and the sun was shining bright on that summer day. My cat had found a mouse which she was playing with. Being the animal lover that I was and still am, I felt compelled to save the mouse. I scooped it up away from her and scolded her for hurting it. I took it inside and cleaned its wounds. I searched the house for a box and some of my mother's quilt batting she kept in her sewing room. I made it the perfect bed. I instantly fell in love with this mouse. I cared for it all weekend long. On Monday, when I returned from school, the mouse was dead. All the love and care I had shown that mouse could not save it. The wounds were too deep. The mouse was in too much pain to keep fighting. Love was not enough.

I feel my marriage is somewhat like that. I entered into it somewhat naive that I could save my husband. He just needed someone to love him and care for him. He was troubled and I could save him. No matter how much I love and care for him, the wounds of the past are too deep. He is in too much pain to want to find a better life. Love may not be enough.

I'm not sure how to feel about this parallel. It is painful. I do not fancy myself a hero, but I truly believed I could save him.